Grief & Loss
Unfortunately, grief and loss are universal. We generally think of experiences such as the loss of a loved one, a divorce or a miscarriage when we talk about loss, and those are big losses. At the same time, a loss can also be becoming and empty nester, having a child with a disability and loss of the life you wanted for your child (and yourself), getting sick or losing a job.
There is no “right” way to grieve as it is a very personal experience. Some people become withdrawn, some get angry, some feel empty. Some actively grieve for what others may think is too short a time, some grieve for what seems like a very long time.
There are multiple accepted grief theories with different numbers of stages ranging from two to seven, but the most widely knows is the Kubler-Ross model, which includes five stages:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Not everyone will go through all five, nor will they always be linear – some will experience the stages in a different order. However, there is a reason for each of these experiences.
Denial is a common defense mechanism when going through an overwhelmingly upsetting experience. Pretending it isn’t happening gives people more time to absorb and process the situation. As people come out of denial, their emotions heighten.
Anger is sometimes referred to as a “secondary emotion” because it often masks a different emotion (this is more common in men.) It can be easier to feel anger than sadness or vulnerability. Once the anger does subside, it’s easier to look at what is happening more rationally.
People can feel uncomfortable with the vulnerability and helplessness they experience during grief. As a way to regain control, they start thinking about “what if” or “if only”. Bargaining is a way to postpone feelings of sadness and hurt.
Unlike the three more “active” stages of grief, denial, anger, and bargaining, depression is more “passive”. Some people isolate during this period. It’s common to feel foggy, confused, heavy or numb. Some people sleep a lot more, some can’t sleep at all. If someone gets “stuck” during the stages of grief, this is often where it happens.
Some people aren’t able to move out of the depression stage, and that is referred to as Complicated Grief. When this happens, it’s very hard to move on without assistance. The most empirically supported intervention for this is called Complicated Grief Therapy, which is rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Interpersonal Therapy. It helps the individual through exposure activities and focusing on relationships and personal goals.
The last stage of grief and loss is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that the person feels happy or has stopped grieving. It means that they understand the loss and have accepted what it means in their life. They can experience good times even though they are still sad about the loss. They start to look at how life will be going forward, even if it’s not the way they wanted it to be.
If you are experiencing a major loss or something more minor, it can help to get support through this time. I was fortunate enough to train with one of the founders of Complicated Grief Therapy and of the Center for Complicated Grief in New York City. I can assist with all sorts of grief and loss. Please reach out if you would like support and some tools to help through this difficult time.