Couples Therapy
“Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.” Relationships and marriage are hard. They are harder for some than others, but it’s not easy for anyone. Being in a committed relationship requires skills such as compromise, effective communication, conflict resolution, navigating differing views on sex, money and parenting among other things. You can’t necessarily translate your great negotiation skills at work to your relationship because your relationship is a lot more emotionally charged, so it requires a different approach.
Ilissa’s style of couples therapy is based on the Gottman Method, which is research based and has a proven track record of success. Therapy is designed to help couples in three areas of their relationship: friendship, conflict management and creation of shared meaning. The goals are to increase intimacy, respect, affection, reduce conflictual communication, and generate more empathy and understanding within the relationship.
In order to accomplish this, we focus on a variety of aspects of the relationship. One is looking at how well each partner knows the other’s inner world, their history, stresses, worries and hopes. Another is to focus on affection and respect within a relationship. As with anything, we can choose to focus on the positive or negative of a situation. In happier relationships, the partners choose to focus on what they like more than what they dislike.
We also focus on awareness on an acute, everyday level. Do you tell your partner what your needs are, or do you hope they are a mind reader? Are you tuned in enough to realize when they are trying to get your attention or are you distracted and seem uninterested? We look at better ways to manage conflict on an ongoing basis. The Gottman Method asserts that 69% of problems in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. However, there are more effective ways to manage perpetual problems than having the same fights repeatedly. No one wants to feel like a broken record, which is why these sorts of problems are a focus in therapy.
It’s important to create a safe space where each partner can talk opening and honestly about their hopes, values, and aspirations. It’s also important to create some shared goals, a common vision for your life together now and in the future. One way to accomplish this is to create your own family rituals around daily activities such as greetings (hello, good-bye, good night) and traditions around holidays. Another way is to make sure to set aside time for each other to something you enjoy together.
Trust is a big one in most relationships. Sometimes lack of trust is around big things such as suspecting or experiencing infidelity, or not trusting your partner to spend money in a way about which you feel good. It can also be smaller things such as feeling like you can’t count on your partner to help you when you need it, or that they don’t have your back in general. Depending on the severity, the approach will vary, but the outcome should be the same. Each partner has the other’s best interests in mind.
Finally, we focus on commitment. This means that each partner believes that their relationship is for the long term and acts that way, for better or worse, sickness or health. If your relationship isn’t in a good place, you don’t give up, you work to improve it.
If your relationship isn’t in a great place for whatever reason or you aren’t feeling happy, please reach out so we can work together to improve it. It takes work, but ultimately, it’s absolutely worth it.