https://themindcentered.com/blog daily 0.75 2022-11-15 https://themindcentered.com/blog/complicated-grief-therapy monthly 0.5 2022-11-15 https://themindcentered.com/blog/does-self-criticism-make-us-better monthly 0.5 2022-11-15 https://themindcentered.com/blog/is-the-need-for-control-causing-anxiety monthly 0.5 2021-10-02 https://themindcentered.com/blog/complicated-grief monthly 0.5 2022-11-15 https://themindcentered.com/contact daily 0.75 2023-06-07 https://themindcentered.com/about daily 0.75 2023-06-07 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1632994098570-3V406127C3J4UIKHJI6S/me+copy.jpg About Ilissa Howard is a New York State licensed psychotherapist. She focuses on anxiety, depression, grief & loss, couples therapy, career challenges and life transitions. She works with individuals, couples, adults and teenagers. Ilissa takes an empathetic, collaborative, person centered approach and believes that no one intervention fits everyone. She pulls from various techniques as appropriate to best serve the individual client. Ilissa is passionate about helping people develop tools that will enable them live a happier, easier life. She works with people to look at their challenges in the context of their lives in order to understand where they came from, if relevant, and how to make changes that will improve their circumstances. If the situation is more acute or the client is looking for sort-term, Solution Focused Therapy, she will concentrate primarily on the present and immediate behavioral change. Ilissa primarily utilizes the following interventions in her practice: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and The Gottman Method (couples therapy) Levels I & II. She also uses Motivational Interviewing where appropriate. She graduated from Colgate University with a BA in Sociology/Psychology and from Columbia University with a Master’s in Clinical Social Work. Ilissa is originally from New York but has lived in Hong Kong for 13 years. https://themindcentered.com/home daily 1.0 2023-06-07 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1632915894140-RVGM4MXT2Z8584JPAJ1R/me+copy.jpg Home - Ilissa Howard is a New York State licensed psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, depression, couples therapy, grief & loss, career challenges and life transitions. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1632916487872-P6XRU3MSG3MJ5WGFK1ON/hopeful+help.jpg Home https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1632916958504-LXI1FYLVYLF1P52U8SWV/bitingnails.jpg Home https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633264300920-WTX82ZYR4PNACVKU946J/hopeful+sparkler+water+smaller.jpeg Home https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633264419307-U683QW4EJVBHMEOE37VN/hopeful+holding+hands+smaller.jpeg Home https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633264466310-GBX5CQGA9Z2MP80FDTDF/hopeful+desk+smaller.jpeg Home https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633264673368-ZXCA3BVXM783JZZ714Z9/hopeful+butterfly+smaller.jpeg Home https://themindcentered.com/grief-loss daily 0.75 2021-10-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633263223416-01J13YHXZ69HSXXV26V4/hopeful+grief+smaller.jpeg Grief & Loss - Grief & Loss Unfortunately, grief and loss are universal. We generally think of experiences such as the loss of a loved one, a divorce or a miscarriage when we talk about loss, and those are big losses. At the same time, a loss can also be becoming and empty nester, having a child with a disability and loss of the life you wanted for your child (and yourself), getting sick or losing a job. There is no “right” way to grieve as it is a very personal experience. Some people become withdrawn, some get angry, some feel empty. Some actively grieve for what others may think is too short a time, some grieve for what seems like a very long time. There are multiple accepted grief theories with different numbers of stages ranging from two to seven, but the most widely knows is the Kubler-Ross model, which includes five stages: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance Not everyone will go through all five, nor will they always be linear – some will experience the stages in a different order. However, there is a reason for each of these experiences. Denial is a common defense mechanism when going through an overwhelmingly upsetting experience. Pretending it isn’t happening gives people more time to absorb and process the situation. As people come out of denial, their emotions heighten. Anger is sometimes referred to as a “secondary emotion” because it often masks a different emotion (this is more common in men.) It can be easier to feel anger than sadness or vulnerability. Once the anger does subside, it’s easier to look at what is happening more rationally. People can feel uncomfortable with the vulnerability and helplessness they experience during grief. As a way to regain control, they start thinking about “what if” or “if only”. Bargaining is a way to postpone feelings of sadness and hurt. Unlike the three more “active” stages of grief, denial, anger, and bargaining, depression is more “passive”. Some people isolate during this period. It’s common to feel foggy, confused, heavy or numb. Some people sleep a lot more, some can’t sleep at all. If someone gets “stuck” during the stages of grief, this is often where it happens. Some people aren’t able to move out of the depression stage, and that is referred to as Complicated Grief. When this happens, it’s very hard to move on without assistance. The most empirically supported intervention for this is called Complicated Grief Therapy, which is rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Interpersonal Therapy. It helps the individual through exposure activities and focusing on relationships and personal goals. The last stage of grief and loss is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that the person feels happy or has stopped grieving. It means that they understand the loss and have accepted what it means in their life. They can experience good times even though they are still sad about the loss. They start to look at how life will be going forward, even if it’s not the way they wanted it to be. If you are experiencing a major loss or something more minor, it can help to get support through this time. I was fortunate enough to train with one of the founders of Complicated Grief Therapy and of the Center for Complicated Grief in New York City. I can assist with all sorts of grief and loss. Please reach out if you would like support and some tools to help through this difficult time. https://themindcentered.com/anxiety daily 0.75 2022-01-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633262923935-HUSV0Z6GZZWYWILDKBZA/hopeful+worry+less+smaller.jpeg Anxiety - Anxiety Anxiety and worry are common emotions that most of us experience from time to time. In fact, anxiety is a normal reaction to a stressful situation. However, when anxiety is persistent, when it gets in the way of the ability to function well at school, work and in social situations, it can make sense to get help managing it. You don’t need to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to get assistance in developing tools to use in stressful situations and make life easier. We all have a sympathetic nervous system, which basically gears up our “fight or flight” instinct. We also have a parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for returning the body back to regular functioning. When we feel anxiety, our sympathetic nervous systems jump in to protect us. Through the use of the intervention that is right for you, for many that is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can learn to engage your parasympathetic nervous system in order to calm down and access the logical part of your brain, which will let you know that there is no real danger present. Practicing this can help you realize that a situation or event isn’t as scary as you think it will be, and it will become easier to participate in those activities. Some signs that a person may have an anxiety disorder include excessive worrying, feeling agitated (racing pulse, sweaty hands), restlessness (feeling on edge, having an urge to move), fatigue (a surprising one as anxiety is generally associated with hyperactivity), difficulty concentrating, irritability, having tense muscles, trouble falling or staying asleep, panic attacks, avoiding social situations (social anxiety) and irrational fears (phobias). If any of this sounds familiar, you may want to get an evaluation and look at treatment options. Whether you are experiencing some anxiety that makes certain aspects of life uncomfortable or you may have an anxiety disorder, feel free to reach out to discuss the situation. We can review what is going on, go over treatment options that could be useful, and potentially make life a bit easier. After all, who doesn’t want life to be a bit easier? https://themindcentered.com/depression daily 0.75 2021-10-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633263042167-54GV4RPDO1O8976LYPJ3/hope+directory+smaller.jpeg Depression - Depression It’s common for people to use the word “depressed” casually, they might say they are depressed if they are going through a break-up, don’t like their job or are feeling temporarily unhappy. However, depression is more significant than that. There are a few related disorders, but the two major forms of depression are Major Depressive Disorder and Persistent Depressive Disorder. The significant difference between the two is the length of time the depression is experienced, although some symptoms vary as well. Major Depressive Disorder occurs over a shorter timeframe (2 weeks) and can come and go whereas Persistent Depressive Disorder is more chronic (present for at least 2 years.) Overlapping symptoms of the two disorders include: depressed mood that lasts most of the day, fatigue, having difficulty concentrating or making decisions, losing or gaining a significant amount of weight, and insomnia or sleeping too much. Other Major Depressive Disorder symptoms include: less interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, feeling worthless, psychomotor agitation (restlessness), psychomotor impairment (difficulty speaking, thinking and doing everyday activities) and frequent thoughts about death. Additional Persistent Depressive Disorder symptoms include: irritability, low self-esteem, hopelessness. Depression isn’t anyone’s fault, nor is it something that people can simply “snap out of”. Fortunately, research has shown that psychotherapy is very effective in treating depression. If you are feeling depressed, we can work together to get you feeling better. Depending on your preference and immediate needs, we can look at different treatment options. One approach is to notice how your thinking affects your mood. We can work on changing the negative thinking, inaccurate beliefs and behavior that contribute to depression. Another way is to look at how your relationships may be contributing to depression and work on expressing yourself more effectively and problem solving in a healthier manner. There may be a need to adapt to an unwanted life event or increase support around you. The most important thing to remember, whether you are experiencing a depressive disorder or simply feeling somewhat depressed, is that there is a way out. There are things you can do to feel better. https://themindcentered.com/couples-therapy daily 0.75 2021-10-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633264045089-EURO58NB2USGO6KD8H4G/hopeful+hands+holding+heart+smaller.jpeg Couples Therapy - Couples Therapy “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.” Relationships and marriage are hard. They are harder for some than others, but it’s not easy for anyone. Being in a committed relationship requires skills such as compromise, effective communication, conflict resolution, navigating differing views on sex, money and parenting among other things. You can’t necessarily translate your great negotiation skills at work to your relationship because your relationship is a lot more emotionally charged, so it requires a different approach. Ilissa’s style of couples therapy is based on the Gottman Method, which is research based and has a proven track record of success. Therapy is designed to help couples in three areas of their relationship: friendship, conflict management and creation of shared meaning. The goals are to increase intimacy, respect, affection, reduce conflictual communication, and generate more empathy and understanding within the relationship. In order to accomplish this, we focus on a variety of aspects of the relationship. One is looking at how well each partner knows the other’s inner world, their history, stresses, worries and hopes. Another is to focus on affection and respect within a relationship. As with anything, we can choose to focus on the positive or negative of a situation. In happier relationships, the partners choose to focus on what they like more than what they dislike. We also focus on awareness on an acute, everyday level. Do you tell your partner what your needs are, or do you hope they are a mind reader? Are you tuned in enough to realize when they are trying to get your attention or are you distracted and seem uninterested? We look at better ways to manage conflict on an ongoing basis. The Gottman Method asserts that 69% of problems in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. However, there are more effective ways to manage perpetual problems than having the same fights repeatedly. No one wants to feel like a broken record, which is why these sorts of problems are a focus in therapy. It’s important to create a safe space where each partner can talk opening and honestly about their hopes, values, and aspirations. It’s also important to create some shared goals, a common vision for your life together now and in the future. One way to accomplish this is to create your own family rituals around daily activities such as greetings (hello, good-bye, good night) and traditions around holidays. Another way is to make sure to set aside time for each other to something you enjoy together. Trust is a big one in most relationships. Sometimes lack of trust is around big things such as suspecting or experiencing infidelity, or not trusting your partner to spend money in a way about which you feel good. It can also be smaller things such as feeling like you can’t count on your partner to help you when you need it, or that they don’t have your back in general. Depending on the severity, the approach will vary, but the outcome should be the same. Each partner has the other’s best interests in mind. Finally, we focus on commitment. This means that each partner believes that their relationship is for the long term and acts that way, for better or worse, sickness or health. If your relationship isn’t in a good place, you don’t give up, you work to improve it. If your relationship isn’t in a great place for whatever reason or you aren’t feeling happy, please reach out so we can work together to improve it. It takes work, but ultimately, it’s absolutely worth it. https://themindcentered.com/career-challenges daily 0.75 2021-10-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633262730824-07Q5COZPHGSWMG5YRES6/hopeful+computer+paper+smaller.jpeg Career Challenges - Career Challenges Careers can be really rewarding, but they can also be very challenging along the way. Everyone faces workplace problems at some point, and they vary so much from person to person. Some people struggle with politics, other with boundaries. There are big egos, insecurity, schemers, people whose primary focus is to cover their own asses and much more to deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes we manage ok, but sometimes it’s too much and has a negative effect on our professional and personal lives. That’s a good time to get some help as it shouldn’t be our friend’s and family’s problem that we don’t like our boss! It can be beneficial to look at what your challenges are at work and where they might have come from, how you ended up in a particular pattern or being reactive in certain situations. When we understand that, it’s easier to work on changing behaviors and reactions. If you feel a co-worker or superior is out to get you, we can discuss why you feel that way. Sometimes you will be right, and you will need to manage what is happening, so you don’t end up in an undesirable situation. Other times, it may not be true and looking realistically at the situation, with the help of an outside and non-biased perspective, can help you let go of those thoughts. You may have a boss or member(s) of your team that is hard to manage. Different strategies and ways of looking at the situation can be useful. It is possible that some of your reactions are making things harder than they need to be. It’s also possible that you are taking things personally when they are not. For men especially, a common reaction to workplace frustration is anger. There are a couple of challenges with that. One is that anger often makes difficult situations worse. The other is that anger is generally a secondary emotion. In order to fix the problem, it’s important to understand how you are actually feeling and why. Looking at the situation from a practical point of view and without emotions can be very useful, although hard to get to on your own. Having worked in the corporate world for 20+ years and in my own business for several years, I can help from an experienced perspective. https://themindcentered.com/life-transitions daily 0.75 2021-10-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f05c42d0add9005ab5b7636/1633223573308-GA1HQZU51S9ZIGF8KXZX/hopeful+leaves+changing+colors.jpg Life Transitions - Life Transitions Change can be hard, even if it’s good change. And “the only constant in life is change”, so it’s important to develop resilience, coping mechanisms and problem-solving strategies around change. Some changes are anticipated, even wanted, but they can still cause turmoil. You are finally quitting your job and getting that master’s degree you always wanted, and you are excited! But, you didn’t think through some of the negatives of not having a regular income or the independence you are used to. You finally had a baby! The baby is adorable, and you are so happy to have her. At the same time, it’s tough not to sleep much, not to be able to go out and do what you want when you want to, and, frankly, a newborn is a bit boring. Why didn’t anyone tell you that? Unwanted change is harder. You love where you live and don’t want to move, but you got a great job in another city and know you have to take it. You’ve been married for 20 years and are now getting a divorce. How will that work financially, with the kids, with the dog? Stress associated with change can cause people to experience depression, anxiety, insomnia, fatigue, headaches and changes in eating habits as well as drug and alcohol use. There are tools everyone can utilize to make change easier, although learning how to use the tools can be difficult. We can choose to look at the negatives or positives of change. Choosing to think more about the positive than the negative will leave you feeling better about it. Your thoughts affect your mood. Similarly, those who compare themselves with others going through a similarly stressful time or are in even a worse situation manage better than those who only look at others who they think are doing better. Stress associated with change is often related to the unknown. This can be mitigated by doing as much research as possible. If a big change is coming, try to minimize other, smaller changes. Too much change at once is harder to manage. It may sound overly simple but taking care of yourself can also help reduce stress caused by change. Make sure you are sleeping, eating, exercising and finding time to relax (if possible.) Change can be uncomfortable and scary but learning how to effectively navigate change can influence personal growth and make you stronger. Change can encourage you to gain new skills and interests that you wouldn’t have thought about previously. If you are going through a life transition and would like some assistance with the process, please get in touch. https://themindcentered.com/take-action daily 0.75 2025-04-23